Kevin Coster vs Keanu Reeves

Late night streamable netflix has me up late again. The sun is coming up and my evil ass should be asleep , but "The Postman" is 3 hours long! Now, I am going to come right out and say it- I like this movie. It has a billion things going for it and 1 thing against it: Kevin Costner. And really, folks, the dude gets clubbed in the head in the first 15 mins (I just timed it) and if you keep rewinding it, way more. Or you can wait 7 more minutes until he gets pummeled again. The most revealing Kevin Costner moment of the film--perhaps of his whole career-- is when he pretends he's an actor reciting Shakespeare... hasn't he been doing this his whole life? Or, you can just rewind the clubbing scene again.
Now I've just watched most of this flick and I realized that Kevin Costner has made 2 movies where he is the end all bad ass saving a post-apocalyptic world. Both flops and I don't understand how Keanu Reeves can make the same terrible movies and actually make money. Maybe everyone needs instructions on how to enjoy this movie. OK. How to enjoy "The Postman"
1) Imagine you are the main character and are doing a much better job.
2) um...after that you should be good.

So there you go.... and here are some links to keep you company.

Instead of this terrible music....image, sistinas.


"My whole life is gonna come to bear on these things."

Vote Day!

That time of the year is upon us my friends. The polling place is official closed and yes I did my duty. Big on the ballet tonight was prop 98 and 99. Both have to do with eminent domain, a mean and scary phrase that means hand over your evil dungeon to us so we can turn it into a park or freeway. With a definition like that how can you like it? I have had personal experience with these shenanigans back in my early days.
I owned this sweet little duplex by the side of freeway once that i had picked out specifically because it gave a tough " I live by the freeway/railroad tracks" vibe that made the ladies skedaddle when the deed was done. Killer huh. Anyway, I was forced out by the government because they wanted to widen the freeway. I had just got the place official condemned and everything. ah you should have seen it. Of course the nerds appraising the place couldn't see the inherit evil value of the place and gave me nothing for it. All that time wasted.
So I voted a big fat no on 98 and big fat yes on 99. I know what you are going to say, "Danzig, This only protects single-family homes only, and in California, single-family homes are not as widely targeted by government to benefit private developers. So, the measure would protect nothing.". Well, I live in a single family home. So there.

Vagina Dentata

Dear Diary,

Last night I went to the movies by myself, again. It's not as bad as you might think. I usually sit behind the loudest people and laugh along at all their jokes. Most of the time that tends to make them uncomfortable and stop being so loud, but last night that didn't happen. They just kept right on making jokes through the whole movie, and I laughed and laughed. I bet some people in the back thought I was in their group and just wanted to sit behind them so I could hear all of them better.

The movie was called Teeth. It was about a girl with teeth in her vagina! I was in the mood for a horror flick and I have already seen the original EYE movie and besides, this is more of an indie movie so I get more street cred. So I go to watch this movie about a toothed vagina and I didn't see one vagina through the whole movie! I saw about 3 dicks, and they were all mangled. If there was ever a movie more misrepresented I've never seen it.

Now, if they would have just made a movie starring a deranged psycho woman with a hungry vagina lopping off peni left and right, that would have been way awesome. She doesn't need a reason, just penis manglation without a cause would have been the ulitmate horror. Nope, instead it just reminds of that movie I spit on your grave, before the woman gets to go on a man-killing rampage the men have to rape her so that it's justified. Bring on the crazy vagina killing I say. All the dudes in this movie had it coming--thats not evil--and thats not the Danzig way. Did anybody ask me what I thought before this movie was made? No!

Quotable quotes from Teeth "I haven't jerked off since Easter!" and "Do you want a bit to eat?" "No I already ate."



I spit on your grave.




Teeth

The Amazing Screw-On Head

Dear Diary,

Another busted night. I haven't been feeling myself lately. I don't know if I told you but last month I didn't sleep very well. I tried everything to try and get some Z's but nothing worked. Finally I changed the black satin sheets with the skulls on them to the fuzzy winter sheets with the skulls on them and I felt a lot better. The only remaining problem was that I didn't have matching pajamas. All mine had stupid coffins and pentagrams on the and totally clashed. So I called the old Chinese lady that makes my custom footie pajamas and ordered up a pair of fuzzy footie skull pajamas. It took a couple weeks but they finally came and now I've been oversleeping and having strange dreams.
Anyways, after my Willow debacle I decided to try and pick up something more recent to watch. I searched the internet for something my style. I stumbled across The Amazing Screw-On Head. It's based off of a comic by Mike Mignola (he also created Hellboy) and was described as a "A love triangle between a zombie, a robot, and a vampire." so I had to check it out.

It's been a little cold lately to go out and since I don't currently own any shirts that fit my massive muscles I was almost forced to go out in my brand new footie pajamas.... in the cold! Luckily The whole cartoon is on google video for your viewing pleasure! I'm going to have to say my favorite quote was "More intelligent people should be cremated for National Security.". In any case the cartoon is great it had a monkey with a machine gun, a zombie with a suit on and they even summonrd a demi-god! Keen! But of course just like all commercial media, the thing gets killed. They never tell it how it really would be. That demi-god would have kick some major ass but "Hollywood" probably got in the way. pfft, politics man. I would have lasted longer than that thing with my Jeet Kune Do! I would have kicked that screw on head right in the face! No one wants a face full of evil footie pj's....nobody! Anyway the thing is barely 20 mins! Thank a demi-god I didn't go buy it or else I would have really upset! I would have probably used all caps in the post or put an evil subliminal message in it......hmmmmm.... maybe I'll do that anyway. If I did it's too late. You are my slave.

Danzig (Kicks demi-god ass)

My presidential endorsement

I apologize I have not done this sooner, but I always wait for Ted Kennedy to make his announcement before I make mine. I would like to endorse Dick Cheney as the President for the 2008 election.
I know what you all are going to say "Danzig, stop trying to bring about the end of the world.", but I'm a dreamer. These last four years I really thought it was going to happen, it always seemed that Armageddon was right around the corner. Hell on earth was one more pre-emptive strike away. But it never happened. damn it I swear give 4 more years....just 4 more years of just Cheney fully in charge with anyone else as Vice President and I promise the fire and brimstone will be coming.
Even though they didn't promise anything last time. Even though I didn't hear them say "We are going to blow the world up a super duper Armageddon trip" but come on... really..... am I alone? Was I the only waiting for the evil to rain down? I don't think so. In any case 4 more years ought to solve this whole.....normal earth thing. Bring on the Hellfire! Cheney 2008!

Musings on Willow......

Dear Diary,

I just finished watching Willow for the first time. I got it from Wal-mart last night before they closed. The night crew knows me and doesn’t care that I don’t wear shirts and in return I don’t turn into a demon and eat their souls. Although I almost did it anyway because they tried to charge me 9.99 instead of the advertised 6.99 and all hell almost broke loose. I let them know that hell’s fury was not about to be over charged. Plus I brought the advertisement in with me. So basically the whole world was pretty lucky I brought the advertisement.

After I got back home I lit all the candles in the theatre room for the right ambiance for…..my life and I grabbed some snacks. I “conjured” up some blood sausage with cheese crackers and some devils food cake. I started a quick seance so I wouldn’t have to watch the movie alone, but was unable to get a hold of any ghosties.

So I pigged out alone with a sword slashingly magical time. I have never been so disappointed. This bad ass chick named Badmorda was trying to kill this baby and I couldn’t help but thinking how awesome that was. First off her name is almost as cool as mine and she’s killing babies! Sooooo jealous. Then she has this hot daughter that’s handy with the steal and dumbass Val Kilmer turns her good. What a god damn waste. The perfect woman with awesome mom, ruined. If I was in this movie I would have killed stupid ass Mad Mardigan, ate all the brownies, and actually I would have just ate everyone who didn’t agree with me after Badmorda turned everyone into pigs for me. Enough bacon to last from here to eternity, which is good because once that whole soul selling this gets finalized that’s about how long I’m supposed to live. Anyways the movie ends bad of course with no dead babies and Sorsha helping kill her mom. Although I think that Badmorda killed her self and kinda disappeared into a rising mist of blood. Again, Sooooo Jealous. That’s how I would want to go out, if I did die. I totally thought of that before this movie. Form of blood mist. I wrote a song about a long time ago, but the band kinda ran out of chords to play so…….it never got recorded.

After that horrible movie I had to tell someone about and since I couldnt find any friends during the seiance that leaves you! Anyways I have to go right now, I have new evil project I am working on and I have barely started so I don’t want to start telling anyone till I am atleast half way done because if I never finish it I’ll feel like a big quitter. Plus I’ve over hyped some of my other evil projects in the past and I feel a recurring pattern happening.

Danzig. (loves Sorsha)